My daughter's teacher has just had his first baby. on the email to congratulate him I wrote "your life will never be the same again" . Before and just after my daughter was born I was told many times the same thing. Like most of things in life, it doesn't really click till you experience it.
the first time when I hold her in my arms in the hospital bed, how I felt the enormous joy and pride and at the same time how I felt inadequate. From then on I was on this journey with her. Through the sleepless nights, first smile, clingy outings, exploration in the nature, first walk and many major events my daughter has been giving me opportunities for me to look at myself.
She is 8 years old now. It took me a while for me to realise the need to detach myself from her. She is not mine. She is her own and has to experience the life herself. That means I can't protect her from feeling sad, seeing something unpleasant and eating something that I wouldn't give her somewhere else! I can't be there with her to see or do everything and have to rely on her to tell me about it all, positive or negative.
Many times lately, especially after her dad moved out of our house and myself needing to work more I feel guilty. I feel like I haven't had enough time to spend time with her. "you are always working, since you get up and till you go to bed" She has said to me. I am one of the fortunate ones, who have found the passion and be able to use that to make a living. So it is not really a chore for me. Without a support from people around me, including her, I couldn't have done it. But sometimes I long for those days when I could go outing with her without caring for the need to get back by the certain time or us crafting on the table with whatever we could find and great imagination.
I also feel the pain every time she leaves here to go and spend time with her dad or when I watch her talking to him on the phone. hard to pinpoint the mixed feelings. feeling of rejection, desire to bring her back to my life and sadness for her to having to have two separate homes.
Yesterday I had an afternoon off work. We spend some nice time together at home. Then she was quiet in her room fro while. She came out and read me a poem she wrote
TO MY MUM
IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU FALL
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GO PAST ME
AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE
I BELONG TO YOU
SO I WISH TO STAY WITH YOU AS LONG AS I CAN
She has been my greatest teacher in life. I will never forget this as I hugged my daughter tightly and feeling the warm tears on my cheeks.
I am humble and grateful.