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Monday, September 10, 2012

just my sad self on my daughter's birthday

Over the weekend I had an opportunity to be one of stall holders at this amazing event, Kindered Sprit festival. It was a festival to celebrate music movement and meditation with many workshops, yoga, musical and art performances etc.
The line-up was quite amazing with international diversity.
Many stall holders there were great as well. Some I knew before but many I am glad to connect for the first time.

If you know me personally it was also my daughter's birthday on Sunday. When I was asked to do the festival I didn't think I was going to for that reason.  For children there are a few days in a year that they get so excited about. Birthday is one of them. For me, as her mother, it is the time for celebrating the birth of the most precious thing in my life and reflection on what I have.

I changed my mind when I found out that my daughter and her father already made a plan for her birthday celebration without my knowledge. Realising that I was not going to wake up with her in the morning of her birthday, I went into my usual way to avoid pain.  "distraction"
We do things for two purposes in life, either for pleasure or pain. My decision to do the festival mainly was so that I wouldn't have time to focus on the fact that I was not going to be there with her. I am not sure if my strategy is a positive thing but it does work. But sooner or later it does come back to you. Overwhelming sadness for some things that happened in the last 9 years and self doubt about if I am a good enough mother or not hit me last night. When I picked her up I had an enormous guilty feeling that Layla could not have her mum and dad together to celebrate anymore. I held her tight and said to her "happy birthday. Sorry I couldn't be with you today. Did you have good time?" and could hardly chock back my tears. She hugged me back and reassured me that she did and said this to me. " I missed you but I knew you were with me wherever you were."

Happy birthday to my angel...

2 comments:

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  2. You are not sad but rather lonely and ranting to be apart of a very special day on both your lives. I believe what you felt on the day, your daughter was feeling exactly the same. She missed you too and wished very much that you could of been with her on this very special day. Next year you two can celebrate together xoxo

    ReplyDelete